Happy Birthday to me!!!

So let's talk about something really important: television commercials. They piss me right the hell off, friends and far-off neighbors. They portray such a ridiculous view of reality... well, it explains why it is that there are so many sociopaths and Republicans (redundant?), and why so much of the upper class is completely out of touch with the way the rest of us live. And that's just the Walmart commercials. All men are stupid, and all women are fucking cunts. Also, fuck Apple and that Mac douche nozzle. And for laughs, let's get ghetto for the black folks!

We'll start with the Walmart commercials, and pretty much EVERY commercial that shows people's homes. People's million dollar homes, while they whine about how having steaks is a rarity for them, and only Walmart's unbeatable low prices allows them to fire up their $4000 grill on their 1000 sq ft covered deck, so they can sit down to some cheap steaks served on a $75 plate alongside the baked potatoes they cooked in their recently remodeled $25,000 kitchen. Or the gated community where they film the Verizon Wireless commercial where the "can you hear me now?" guy is offering a millionaire a great deal on new phones on his way to his BMW to drive to his fancy office where he makes lots of money but also really needs a buy one get one free deal in order to upgrade his phone. The average American shown in television commercials is actually in the top half of a percent. There's just something wrong with that.

I guess women spend most of the household budget, and approve most of the household spending. That's why in most commercials, women are ball-busting bitches while their husbands are blithering idiots... which is strange, since they live in a million dollar home and the wives obviously don't work in the commercial fantasyland. I guess the men in this world all make millions of dollars a year, but can't cook a meal, clean up a spill, feed a baby, fix anything around the house... which is odd, because when the cunt wife castrates her husband verbally, it is to call another man to fix what her husband can't. Of course, when the repairman gets home, his IQ and repair skills disappear and his bitch wife emasculates him for it. Of course, Mom can be an idiot... when the commercial is selling something to the kids, in which case both parents are stupid and their brat teenagers shit on them the way the wife shits on the husband.

Speaking of shit... what the fuck is wrong with those assholes at Apple, with their Mac/PC commercials? First off, those commercials are dishonest: I've got 3 PCs running RIGHT NOW in my house, I've had three or more PCs on 24/7 for the last 3 years. Zero viruses, next to zero crashes, none of the problems that those ads say are a feature of owning a real computer, instead of one of their hipster poser toys. I just bought a new laptop for $600, and it is everything that the MacBook Pro offers, plus a slightly bigger screen, and I didn't have to spend $1400 for the dubious benefit of identifying myself with that Mac asshole. Let's go ahead and look at the actors, because they are really an accurate portrayal of the difference between Mac and PC. Justin Long plays Mac, and he's a hipster douche nozzle poseur who has managed to date Drew Barrymore AND do the voice of Alvin in "Alvin and the Chipmunks." Style and no real substance. PC is played by John Hodgman, who is an actor, author, and honestly smart and funny guy... and he was on Battlestar Galactica! Maybe not as fun for the ladies to look at, but I'm a guy so that doesn't matter. I prefer a computer that doesn't cost an arm and a leg for less compatibility and an ugly design.

Finally, let's make fun of n******s! But seriously folks, I know that America had a big civil rights movement and stuff, but you wouldn't know it from watching the separate-but-equal ads on the TV. McDonald's doesn't need a blacks-only advertisement with a hip-hop soundtrack, a black woman with a funny weave saying "oh no you didn't!" and then a black guy with a basketball or break dancing. All that's missing is a gangbanger with a gold tooth to say "dat is wack" or "hell yeah, dat's what I'm talkin' about!" I know why the advertisers do it, but why do black people buy into it? So glad to see someone like them on TV that they don't care about the context? Or maybe I'm just cynical... no, that's can't be it!

Of course, we're starting to see true equality... I saw a commercial the other day with a black couple in a million dollar home, where the stay-at-home mom busted her husband's balls while trying to save thirty cents on a tube of toothpaste. I guess that's progress?