Joe gets mail!!

So, I make a trip to the mailbox about ten minutes ago, and there's no check for ten million dollars(again!). There IS a rather large envelope in the mailbox. It says "ADDRESSEE SELECTED TO REPRESENT STATE INDICATED IN NATIONWIDE BALLOT ON NEW GOVERNMENT SPENDING PRIORITIES." and "UNVOTED BALLOT MUST BE RETURNED."

"HUH?!?!"

Turns out to the a poll, not a "BALLOT." It also turns out to be from the Heritage Institute, a right-wing, anti-American pretend think-tank, whose purpose is to spread lies in order to damage our country. Sounds harsh, right? Well, let's dig deeper. Let's start with their website: this is the whitest group of people I have ever seen. They have like three Asians, two Hispanics, and the rest is white folks, mostly old ones. OK, granted, that wasn't really digging deep.

Let's look at the website for real. They take credit for all sorts of stuff, like:

• Reagan's tax cuts for the wealthy, which raised taxes on the middle and lower classes while bankrupting the country.
• The "Star Wars" missile defense that started in the 1980s and has produced exactly ZERO missile defense in the quarter century it has been in development.
• "Winning the Cold War" five years after the Soviets tried to surrender on their own, costing America hundreds of billions of dollars in defense spending.
• Attacking social programs, causing poor children to go hungry and old people to die early.
• Encouraging Reagan to support Central American dictators and drug dealers, leading to Iran-Contra.
• Destroying health care reform, leading to the deaths of more Americans
• Injecting religion into government in violation of the First Amendment, while making sure gay people have as few rights as possible.

These are things they BRAG ABOUT. Terrible, terrible people. I would never be friends with any of them, I wouldn't stop to help them if I saw one getting his ass kicked in the street, but I would absolutely piss on one if his head was on fire...

... I would piss on his feet.

Anyhoo, on to the "BALLOT." It isn't a ballot, it is a poll. That's lie number one. Lie number two is that the "BALLOT" must be returned. Really, must be? What if I wipe my ass with it? Are they going to send some teabagger thug to my house to get it? Fuck them!

So I start reading the attached letter. Full of dishonesty. They describe the Earmarks in Obama's budget as 100% "pork" even though earmarks are how the government funds things, and most of them are completely reasonable spending choices. The describe ALL government spending as wasteful... remember, these are the same folks who created the missile defense nonsense that has wasted the sort of money that could have gone towards real health care reform. Instead of admitting mistakes, their letter says that they want to cut programs so that they can spend that money on MORE DEFENSE SPENDING. Also, more tax cuts, even though America has lower taxes than ever before.

Then they go after specific programs that they hate, like "a tattoo removal program in California that cost taxpayers $200,000" that turns out to be a really wonderful program that lets reformed gang members get their gang ink removed so that they can transition from gang life to a more normal and crime-free existence. Yeah, let's attack THAT! Let's also attack the programs that are researching the outrageous toxicity involved in large-scale pig farming that sprays pig shit into the air, tons at a time, by calling it a "swine odor" program.

Morons. Evil, malicious, treasonous morons.

Moving on, let's look at the poll. How many easy lies and hypocricy can I spot in 13 questions?

1. They claim Barack Obama is a liberal.
2. They describe all earmarks as "pork barrel."
3. They go after deficits, after earlier taking credit for running up Reagan's deficit.
4. They want to cap spending now that Democrats are in power.
5. They describe their plans to destroy Social Security and Medicare as "modernizing."

At the end of the "BALLOT," "Question" #13 is a request for money. Wow, really? Why don't they cut out some of their programs, so that they can afford to stay in business without extra revenue? You know, like sending out bullshit polls designed to pretend that their extreme position is a rational and patriotic viewpoint.

They are getting their "BALLOT" back. I wrote "GO TO HELL" on it in giant letters, and put it in the convenient postage-paid envelope. Assholes...

Sunday's post on Sunday!

Whew!

Anyhoo, I didn't blog yesterday because right about the time I was going to get started, my dad called from far away, needing computer help. I just want you to imagine my dad... he just got his very first computer this year, and he's 63 years old. He knows NOTHING. Now imagine me trying to talk him through troubleshooting his computer over the phone.

It took almost 3 hours, but I did it. I'm patient, like a saint. He owes me big.

Saturday's post on Sunday!

I was going to post this yesterday:

Got a new videogame Friday, Batman: Arkham Asylum. It is FUCKING AWESOME!

I was a little concerned when I saw that Eidos/Warner Bros. was involved, because they were responsible for the last terrible Tomb Raider game, and this Batman game is very much in the same vein: minimal combat, lots of crouching, jumping, grappling hooks, and puzzle solving. That game was boring and broken... it just didn't work the way a game is supposed to work. I didn't have any choice, though... I pre-ordered Batman like 6 months ago.

I got it home, and it is good. I got the ridiculous collector's edition, with Batarang. Good times. The game turns out to be really great. It is everything that the Tomb Raider game should have been, plus all the great Batman action and detective stuff, PLUS excellent writing and voice acting from the award-winning Batman Animated series. Mark Hamill as the Joker!!!! It is brilliant and fun and action-packed, and even occasionally scary.

Arkham Asylum is where the criminally insane hang out between times that Batman beats them up and leaves them for the cops. The Joker intentionally gets himself committed there, in order to get inside and take the place over. He's got a sinister plan involving a synthesized drug to turn his thugs into giant super-powered monsters, and then to release it into the Gotham water supply. To slow Batman down, the Joker has released some of the great Batman enemies: the Riddler, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, and the Scarecrow.

The Scarecrow parts of the game are the best part. His gimmick is that he has "fear gas" that makes his victims face their deepest terrors, hallucinate wildly, and eventually go insane. So when Batman is dosed with the bad stuff, you have to navigate through nightmare landscapes involving nasty stuff like skeletons, a giant Scarecrow, and the corpses of Batman's dead parents.

It is a good time. You can tell, because I've played it at least a few hours every day since I've had it. :)

Groceries again... with a side of political ranting!

Not the big thrill it used to be. On the plus side, I bought a pile of steaks. Turns out, the wife prefers her chunks of animal flesh to be as close to the original animal as possible. That means whole chickens are better than chicken parts, and chicked parts are better than sliced up or chopped up chicken. Steaks and chops are better than hamburger and sausage. A nice coating of spices or a glaze, and that's pretty much it. Maybe a vegetable on the side, and that's dinner.

Stuff is expensive though. Smoked sausage is like $2.50, a package of cheap hamburger is like $4. You stretch it out with a bunch of rice, pasta, or potatoes, and a meal for two is under $6-$7 with left-overs for lunch the next day. A whole chicken is $8, veggies are expensive, and don't get me started about steaks.

That's just the grocery store stuff. At least I'm not one of those elitist assholes with the Whole Foods, "organic," local, slow foods bullshit. What a bunch of goddamned out-of-touch, self-satisfied snobbish cunts. Here's a quote from the cocksuckers at Slowfood.com:

Our philosophy

We believe that everyone has a fundamental right to pleasure and consequently the responsibility to protect the heritage of food, tradition and culture that make this pleasure possible. Our movement is founded upon this concept of eco-gastronomy – a recognition of the strong connections between plate and planet.

Slow Food is good, clean and fair food. We believe that the food we eat should taste good; that it should be produced in a clean way that does not harm the environment, animal welfare or our health; and that food producers should receive fair compensation for their work.

We consider ourselves co-producers, not consumers, because by being informed about how our food is produced and actively supporting those who produce it, we become a part of and a partner in the production process.

No, see... what you are is a bunch of fucking conceited pricks, who think they are better than other people because they can afford fancy foods to go with their fancy cars, homes, jewelry, and lifestyles. Yeah, they believe that "everyone has a fundamental right to pleasure" as long as "everyone" means "me and my friends." While they are blowing ridiculous sums of cash, and taking tons of time to buy and cook all these fancy foods, real people who can barely make ends meet are eating whatever they can afford.

Here's a fucking word of advice: when there are no longer 12 million children in danger of going hungry in America alone, when there are no longer tens of thousands of people dying of starvation every day... then you'll have a "right" to have culinary orgasms. Until then, you're just an egotistical piece of shit using food as one more way to show that everyone else is less worthwhile and worthy than you are.

If you're one of those people, and you're reading this: next time you're having a chicken salad made from free-range chickens, fresh local vegetables, and organic salad dressing, consider that you are consuming as many calories as some poor kid gets all day, at a cost of what his family eats on for that same day. Don't pretend that you're wise and smart and wonderful, when all you really are is lucky and spoiled rotten.

Should she stay, or should I go?

My wife and I had a little talk today about the fact that I want to leave the house all the time, and she always wants to stay home. We're cool... but this keeps coming up, in both direction. She used to always want to stay home, and for a while I was completely on board. Then she wanted to go out a bunch, and I didn't want to go anywhere. Then we flipped, and she wanted to stay home all the time. Then we flipped again, and one more time to put us where we are now.

We're like that with other things too. Television shows, for instance. There are shows that we both started out liking, and one of us lost interest, while the other stayed interested in watching it. I introduced her to Torchwood, which I am over and she's still crazy about. For some reason I've kept watching Heroes and Chuck, and she bailed on both of them.

We do that with food too, with a lot of stuff. That's OK though, because we don't have that sort of weird "up each other's asses" relationships. We're both cool with me going out wandering the streets, or with her watching 2-3 episodes of a show I don't like while I go do something else. I'll go eat places that she doesn't like, and I'll go to two different fast food places for lunch. We don't both have to be doing the exact same thing at the same time, constantly. Really, that's not even a healthy thing to do. I'd rather she not feel pressured to be into everything I'm into, and I'm sure she's glad that I'm not dragging her everywhere. And I'm more than happy with the fact that she doesn't expect me to sit through her chick flicks.

Long day...

Went for a walk, mowed the lawn... Yep, another exciting day in Joe Land.

I am so very much looking forward to school starting. It should be AWESOME!

AWESOME!!!!

One week left!!

And then I'm back to school!!

I dropped all my classes last spring, so I'm WAY ready to go back. I preparation, I went shopping again today. Drove an hour to yet another mall, and what's the very first store? Watch store!! So I go in, and there is so much bling in this joint that I almost started rapping really poorly. :) Anyhoo, the first thing that I see is this watch:

I thought it was pretty awesome, it is the same brand as the watch that Michael Weston wears on Burn Notice, but a slightly different model. The guy at the counter volunteered the price... $1350. I looked at him funny, and probably still had a funny look on my face when I left the store. I checked the price online when I got home... $895 list, about $600 at most stores. $1350 would buy me TWO of them! The guy was one of those indeterminate ethnicities, like a Jonny Quest villain, and maybe in his culture you are supposed to haggle. I'm considering going back, acting insulted, and telling him that I will not pay a cent over $400, and how DARE he! He will either kick me out, or offer me the watch for $900, and the haggling will continue.

From there, I tried on a few more watches at other stores, and then hung out at the guitar shop for a little while. The place was empty, the salesguy was bored, so we dicked around with guitars and made fun of crappy gear. I hit a couple of other stores, including a gun shop. I thought it was pretty neat that the gun store was staffed with decent-looking chicks, instead of grumpy old men looking to shoot "coloreds and Mexicans" or whatever it is that old racists grumble about. I got to hold an FN-P90, that sort of looks like a car part but turns out to be pretty neat:

I also found what must be the most comfortable handgun I've ever held. It is $800 of awesome German engineering, and about $750 more than I have to spend on a weapon. Maybe next year?



I spent about 6 hours out and about. It was pretty awesome. I had fun, and I'm looking forward to going to school. Getting out of the house is almost always a good time. Even if I don't have any money to spend, window-shopping is a good time too. But... soon I will have some money! Mwahahahahaha!!!!

Well, nobody left a comment...

... therefore, I assume no one is reading my blog. Cool.

Since I'm just talking to myself, I'm going to talk about what I want to talk about.

Baconaise. Mayonnaise, but bacon-flavored. It goes on sandwiches, and makes everything taste better. For those things that might not work with Baconnaise? Bacon Salt! And if that's not enough? Bacon-flavored lip balm! Heaven!

Watch shopping continues. Do I want the blue one, or the two-tone with diamonds?



And just for fun...

Can they be house-trained? Please?

I swear I was going to post something useful...

... but I've got nothing. I made a ton of sweet tea with lemon, took a nap, ate a burrito, played video games. That's pretty much it, and how do you post about that? I feel like I should buy a cheap acoustic guitar, and write a sad song about... nothing, since nothing ever happens to me. My office is messy, but I'm not capable of the energy level required to straighten up. It isn't even THAT messy!

A week from Tuesday, I start back at school. Then... THEN I'll have stuff to post about, because stuff will actually be happening. At this point, there's a lot of ranting about politics and religion and alternative medicine and conspiracy theories in me, but I think you folks are bored of that... all 18 of you who read this.

Read this, leave a comment, tell me if there's something you want me to write about so I can have a topic or three. Feel free to tell me I suck, or that I'm not nearly cool enough, or whatever.

Quick note

It is fucking freezing cold in the house right now. For as long as it lasts...

All is right with the world.

Making progress...

Well, I did my weekly weigh-in this morning. I lost 5 pounds since last Friday, and 18 pounds this month. Only eleventy-thousand more pounds to go! To celebrate, I ate a steak and walked 3/4 of a mile further than I've gone since I started this latest attempt at getting into shape. I waited at least 30 minutes before exercising, don't you fear none.

I don't know what other people would be doing at this point. I tend to live by the credo "anything worth doing is worth overdoing!" That means I'm going to add an hour of Wii exercise stuff to the schedule, and start cutting calories. The sooner I drop the weight, the better.

For most people, that would probably be a bad thing. I've decided that I'm special, and the normal rules don't apply to me. For one thing, I'm exercising like crazy. So, the more weight I lose the more I can exercise and the less stress it will be on my joints. For another, the more weight I lose the more into it I get. If I went the normal 1-2 pounds a week, I'd have lost a couple of pounds by now, and the effort I've put forth would have seemed like a giant waste of time. I mean, really... do you expect me to wait until next summer to start getting close to my target weight? Screw that, I plan on running shirtless on the beach next summer with Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong, or whatever celebrity douchebags are running around without shirts on next year.

Also, and this isn't a small consideration... I've been spending a ton of money on groceries as part of this diet. If I spend an extra $200 a month on food and only lose 3-4 pounds a month, my wife is gonna kill me!

Weather update!

Here in Florida, at 5:15AM, it is 78 degrees and 98% humidity. The sun hasn't even come up, and we're close to the 80s.

There's something seriously wrong with this place, it just isn't natural. When you hear a story of a woman beating her boyfriend to death with the family dog, or a man found hanging from a tree naked with his pants around his ankles and a porn mag stapled to the trunk of the tree, or any of a million other bizarre and macabre stories, odds are the story came from Florida. The heat gets to people, makes them do crazy things.

Plus, there are a huge number of immigrant communities in Florida, which normally wouldn't be a problem. The problem arises when you have these communities interacting with one another, and the heat acts like a catalyst. Things get bad enough when poor white people get too close to poor black people. Add in Cubans, Portugese, Italians, Russians, Croatians, and crabby old Jews from Jersey.

Bad driving is a given.

You know... I moved to Florida almost six years ago. When I got here, I started working a third shift job, because I was trying to avoid the heat. Didn't work that well. I was working in a huge aluminum building that really trapped the day's heat and held onto it all night. I remember looking at a thermometer in the building everyt night at 3AM and it was in the high 80's or low 90s all summer long. I did that job for three goddamned years. Never again.

My wife and I were talking last week about what we should do when I graduate college. I suggested that we move somewhere with the traditional four seasons. Here in Florida, we have five seasons: spring, summer, ultra-summer, fallish, and winterish. Ultra-summer started earlier this year, mid-June instead of early August. It is nasty... and we live in northern Florida. I can't even imagine the hell of locations further south.

Where is my iPod?!?!?!

I lost my iPod!

I didn't go anywhere yesterday, so it must be in the house. Where in the house? No goddamned clue. What's worse, we cleaned the house pretty well over the weekend, so it isn't like there's tons of clutter for it to be hiding under. This is driving me INSANE! Usually, it winds up in the places where a book would wind up: in the bathroom, on the nightstand, on the desk, on a counter. This time, it is nowhere to be found.

This is like the end of the world for me. I need it for my exercising thing. I need it to look at laptops at 3AM without getting out of bed. I need it to get to sleep at night. What am I supposed to do?!?!

In the meanwhile, I'm making an "interesting" lunch. Sausage, peppers, onions, and mushrooms baked in a dish, with cream of mushroom soup poured over it. When you're on a low/no-carb diet, you have to find new ways to avoid eating "meat and a vegetable on a plate." Otherwise, you get very bored, very quickly. Then you give up, and gain back all the weight plus 10%. Even steaks get boring after a few days of nothing but.

I wanted to add a little something about the whole healthcare debate... well, not a debate so much as Democrats talking and Republicans screaming, lying, and advocating treason. Today, Representative Barney Frank is my hero, for telling one of these anti-American morons to get stuffed. (If you're a Republican reading this... what the fuck is wrong with you people?)

Taking a day off

No walking for Joe tonight. I'm totally burned out. Also, I gave my wife whatever stomach bug I had, so she came home early from work.

It is cool, I needed the time off. I'm going to relax tonight, and take a very casual walk tomorrow and possibly the next day as well. It is important to recharge the batteries every so often. I've got a couple of books to read, I'm finally getting around to playing Crysis on PC, and I'm sure there are movies to watch too.

I hope everyone is having a better week than I am, and I hope the rest of the week gets better. Or at least cooler: when I woke up this morning it was already in the 80s.

Bad Day

I'm pretty well beat down.

The blockage in my intestines finally cleared... over and over again, all night and most of the day. On top of that, I'm kind of down in the dumps. Not for any real reason, probably a combination of being tired from the exercise, bored and frustrated with the low-carb business, and lack of sleep. I left the house to try to lift my spirits, but it didn't work that well. I was ok while I was out, and as soon as I stopped moving I started feeling like crap again.

I went and did a little bit of shopping, picked up a couple of books. I looked and fancy watches that I can't afford. I wandered around Target and somehow managed to not buy beer, although I wanted beer so very badly. I managed to drive past so many restaurants, and managed to not buy food that would ruin my diet. All in all, it was a good day for self-control and restraint. Every bit of it made me feel even worse.

When I got home, I cooked dinner, and cleaned up as I went. Then, to cap off the night, I went for a short walk with the dog. No day off for me, that's for other people...

I'm not good at being good. I'm accustomed to downing a couple of dozen beers or eating deep-fried cat at the Chinese buffet when I feel bad. I usually spend a ton of money I don't have, or slack off and let the house get really messy. I'm really surprised and depressed by my adult behavior. UGH. In a couple of weeks I'm going to get a computer based on my actual needs instead of trying to get something fancy, gigantic, and sure to impress. A few weeks later, I am going to get a watch for my birthday, if I can afford it. If I can't afford it I am NOT going to buy something I won't be happy with, and I AM going to wait until I have enough money to get what I want.

Being a grown-up sucks.

Random Sunday Stuffs

Hey friends and far-off neighbors, I don't have anything specific tonight. I've been under a pretty heavy level of stress for the past month or so as school has approached, my level of cabin fever has risen, and health issues have driven me to the brink of MADNESS! Anyhoo, here's some random ramblings on a hot summer night.

• I've been walking faster and/or farther every day or other day for the past two weeks or so. It doesn't feel faster or farther though. It just feels more painful. Much more painful.
• My dog knows exactly when it is "stroll around the neighborhood" time. About 8PM or so she starts milling around and then climbing on me, as if to remind me that it is time to go. When I put on my shoes, her energy level goes up a bit. The moment she sees the iPod, she starts yodeling at me and moving towards the door. Even if I want a day off, I don't thing Ginger will give me a chance!
• Things in movies that exist ONLY in movies: extra set of keys in the sun visor, and... other stuff, I can't remember. Keys in the visor is really bad though. Car never starts when the bad guy or monster is close. People run out of ammo in a semi-auto pistol and don't know it, even though most of them lock open when they are empty so you know it.

• Speaking of movie stuff... about that whole "thief lowered from the ceiling with a ridiculous harness in order to steal something? ENOUGH! NO MORE!
• I'm not sure, but I think Peter Griffin on Family Guy may be dumber than Sarah Palin, but I would have to do a side-by-side comparison.
• I've cut carbs out of my diet. I miss potatoes. I miss pasta and rice and bread and sugar and all the other joys of Earth. Of course, I can eat one and one quarter pounds of bacon for lunch, and it counts as "dieting." I guess there are pros and cons.
• Being on a low-carb diet somehow means that my "plumbing" gets clogged up with meat. There doesn't seem to be enough roughage in the world.
• I don't understand stinky people. I live in Florida where it is always hot, I exercise pretty much every day, and I tend to sweat more than most people. Also, I'm not exactly fastidious with my hygiene these days, since I never have any place to be. I don't smell bad, even if I miss a shower or six in a given week. I'm sure my wife would let me know if I was stinky. I walked past some guy in the Target parking lot who smelled like the north end of a south-bound mule. I could smell him all the way to the store, and inside the entrance. The smell lingered. Weird.

Anyhoo. Enough random stuff. It is almost time for my weekly shower. HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Exercise sucks!

Well... two weeks in, I've walked 13 times, averaging a mile a walk, with my longest walk at 2.25 miles... that was about a half-hour ago. Holy crap that hurt. A lap around the block is .75 miles, and the goal is to be able to eventually jog four laps (3 miles) without stopping. Since I can currently jog about 30 seconds at a stretch, you can see how that is a long-term goal. Right now, I'm trying to build up to walking the whole distance, and once a week or so I'm walking/jogging a single mile as fast as I can.

I hate every goddamned second of it.

Everything hurts. I ache from my head to my toes. My tummy hurts. My butt hurts.

Oh well. A million pounds to go.

We are UNDERWATER!!!

Here's a picture, in case you don't believe me:

That's the street in front of my house, plus about five feet of my yard, completely underwater. The sun was out this morning, until about 11:30AM or so. It started raining about 1:30, and it is now 4:00 in the afternoon. That's how much rain has fallen on us in a couple of hours.

Good thing I mowed the lawn, right? If only I hadn't planned on eating out tonight... I have steaks, everything will be OK.

J.C. Hutchins, the death of the stand-alone book, and the death of the stand-alone book

Well, I finished Personal Effects: Dark Art. Good read, now go get your copy... or ask really nicely and I'll send you mine.**

Quick synopsis: Zach Taylor is an art therapist in New York, working with criminally insane types. He's got a tattooed "geek goddess" girlfriend, a parkour-loving brother, and his dad is a NY District Attorney. Zach's got a shady past, work politics to deal with, and a touchy relationship with his father. Then he gets a new patient, and things get really bad.

Martin Grace is suspected of a bunch of murders over the space of a few years. Now Grace suffers from psychosomatic blindness, that hit him at the same time that the murders stopped. Here's the twist: Grace told the victims what was going to happen to them a day or two before they died, but he has an alibi for every murder. Did Grace have a partner commit the murders? Did he have visions of the deaths before they happened? Is someone setting him up? Or is the truth even stranger and darker than that? Read the book and find out!

Death of the stand-alone novel, Part 1:

This novel is the first example of "transmedia reading experience" that I've run across. There's a podcasted prequel novella to listen to. You can call phone numbers that are in the book, and listen to character voicemail. If you Google places and people in the book, you will find corresponding websites and even blogs for at least one of the characters. There's all sorts of digging you can do, and there are even clues you can discover that the characters in the book don't notice. It is a lot of fun to sort of mess around with, even if you don't decide to dig too deeply.

The book also comes with the "personal effects" of Martin Grace. Here, watch the video, it is short enough.

You'll want to dig at least a little bit, because the story warrants the attention. It is a good read, overall. It takes a little bit to set up the story, especially since it is told in first-person. It is also a fairly short book, clocking in at 320 pages, with fairly large text and artwork breaking up the pages. The pace is fairly quick after the slow opening, but you'll want to take breaks every so often and read a blog entry or call a phone number. There's thrills and creepiness, and twists and turns, and all the cool stuff you expect from a murder mystery. There's not exactly tons of character stuff, but Hutchins is good at fleshing out the characters enough for you to care, without bogging down the story with that sort of stuff.

Death of the stand-alone book, Part B:

I only had one issue with the book, and maybe it is just me and my preferences. This is very clearly the first in a series of books. Throughout, I got the feeling that Hutchins was holding back certain bits of information about the characters and their history that will be revealed in later books in the series. I don't exactly have a problem with it, but I find it sort of mildly annoying.

What ever happened to the stand-alone story? Why is every book part of a series? I'm assuming it is all about "repeat business." Publishers want big sales, and that usually means a long-running series. Readers want familiar characters, and are willing to buy every Hairy Pooter or Twit-light book that comes out. And I'm sure writers like to see people read more than one of their books.

I understand it, because I'm a fan of those sorts of things too. I'm eagerly awaiting the end of Stephen Donaldson's sprawling, decades in the writing, epic fantasy "Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" that I started reading when I was 11 years old. I was on-board with Stephen King's Dark Tower books, even though the ending wasn't exactly happy-making. And, sad to say, I've read each and every Discworld book at least three times. I get it. I really do.

However, in some cases you can really feel a writer almost saying out loud, "I'm saving some of these bits for the next book." On the one hand, I know it acts as an enticement to get people to read the next book. On the other hand, you have to be subtle about it, and not telegraph it too hard. Hutchins fell just short in the subtlety department. The story and characters are good enough that I think most people would come back to read about the future adventures, with a more subtle underlying mystery running just under the surface. Minor quibble, I'll be watching closely for the sequel(s).

The book is also hella cheap, for what you get. Go on Amazon, buy it right fucking now.

**No, you really can't have my copy. Go buy your own. Now! Before I smack you!

I swear I was going to go for a walk...

... really, I mean it!

However, Florida weather interferes yet again. It is too hot to walk after 8AM or before 10PM. I've been walking in the dark, but it is raining today so I'm doing nothing.

Woohoo! Day off!

I left the house a second time this week!

And I'll leave the house tomorrow too!

Window shopping is fun, especially when you pretend that you have money to spend! I've been trying on all sorts of fancy watches and such. Maybe next week I'll play with guns and guitars. Whatever, so long as I get the hell out of the house.

In other news, it is a million degrees outside. No wonder those idiots protesting against health care for children and families are so batshit crazy.

Joe's Day Out

Yeah... had to leave the house.

I drove an hour to the mall, wandered all over the damned thing. Found a couple of watches that I like, and I might get one for my birthday next month. I might have also found the laptop I'm going to get. It is all sorts of exciting, I guess.

I really just had to get out of the house. I've been out of school for over six months, and school starts in three weeks, and I'm really not used to getting up, taking a shower, and leaving the house. So these window shopping trips are sort of a trial run for that. Otherwise, I'm going to get back to school and be neck-deep in adjusting to leaving the house.

So tomorrow I am going to do it again. This time I'm headed south, to the crappy mall, plus the Verizon store to find a new phone... it is that time again. I don't have any money to spend, but that's not the point.

Sunday Stealing: Janana's Now Vs. Then Meme

Sunday Stealing: Janana's Now Vs. Then Meme

Then: August 1999

1. Age: 24

2. Romantic Status: Living with the e-whore.

3. Occupation: factory worker

4. Fun night out: out drinking with co-workers after a shift, since I worked second shift and never got a day off.

5. My BFFs: Kristy and Derek

6. I spent way too much time: working

7. I spent not enough time: home with the ex-whore

8. I wanted to be when I grew up: I wanted to go back to school and get an engineering degree

9. Biggest concern: Never seeing the ex-whore because I worked so much

10. What my biggest concern should have been: the ex-whore spending all of my money and screwing other guys while I was at work

11. Where did I live: Tennessee

12. Dumbest thing I did that year: smoked some marijuana

13. If I could go back now and talk to myself I would say: Keep your money and kick the whore to the curb!

14. Picture of me then: don't have any... don't have ANYTHING from that time in my life.

Now: August 2009

1. Age: 34

2. Romantic Status: married to one of the most impressive people I've ever known

3. Occupation: Full-time engineering student

4. Fun night out: Dinner and a movie

5. My BFFs: my pets... since I've stopped working it has been hard to mantain and make new friendships

6. I spend way too much time: on the computer

7. I spend not enough time: kicking ass

8. I want to be when I grow up: I'm kind of there, or at least on the road to it, for the first time in my life.

9. Biggest concern: School... I want to do better than "OK"

10. What my biggest concern should be: money

11. Where do I live: Florida

12. Dumbest thing I have done this year: dropped out of school for a semester

13. What I think I would say to myself in 10 years: good job!

Summary:

1. What do I miss most from 1999: the buckets of cash I was bringing home

2. What do I miss least from 1999: almost everything else

3. What have I accomplished in 10 years that I am most proud of: Getting my shit together, going back to school, and especially marrying a great woman.

4. What have I NOT accomplished in 10 years that I wish I had: I still don't have a ring-tailed lemur!

Taking a break?

I've exercised 8 whole days in a row... and I know I'll be exercising tonight. What about taking a break?

I'm not good at taking breaks. To me, taking a break is like quitting. Quitting, I'm good at. Trust me. If I slack off tonight, it makes it that much easier for me to slack off tomorrow too. Then, hey, it is Monday and who likes a Monday? Then on Tuesday I might walk a little... but Wednesday is Leverage on the TV, and Thursday is Burn Notice on USA. Then by Friday I'll feel like an asshole, get a couple of gallons of beer, and drink my blues away.

Even walking every day isn't enough for me. I have to push. I have doubled the length of my walks, and I plan on taking one day a week and seeing how fast I can walk a set distance. I'm going to start working some very light jogging into those "speed walks" as I get in better shape. I get bored otherwise... I do! So, I turn it into a numbers game. I walk so far in so much time, so in order to shave one minute off of the total time I need to take 10 seconds off of each of 6 sections of the walk. Helps me stay focused... if you aren't moving forward, you're moving backward.

So, take a break? Not fucking likely. If I don't restrain myself, I'm going to add a third lap around the block.

Friday Random Stuff

Hey friends and far-off neighbors! I've got a few things going on, and I thought I would share the shopping-related thoughts in my head...

...WITH PICTURES!!!

• School Books: I'm going to need four books for when school starts, and then a fifth book sometime later, when my "short session" class starts. It is going to be a LOT more expensive than I thought, because some of the books aren't available used. So I'm all sort of screwed here cash-wise, but what else can I do?

• Laptop: I'm going to need a new one, like NOW. I've been shopping online and wandering around the stores, and I'm just not inspired by the whole mess. That's a good thing, in my case. It keeps me from wanting some $1700 super-computer... something I always struggle with. No, I just want something a little bigger than what I have, with a bright monitor. That's pretty much all. So now I'm just torn between an HP with the features I want, a Dell with a colored chassis, or a Toshiba with a sexy black chassis. These are happy problems, right?

• Watches: Since my father-in-law came to visit, and showed off his fake Rolex to me. Now I want a watch too! I want a real one, though... not a fake Rolex, but a real Invicta, Citizen, or Bulova. I'm an adult now, like it or not. I need to start wearing an adult watch.

• Cell phone: I got a fancy ridiculous high tech phone last time. This time, I want something simple and less clunky and LIGHTER. My phone weighs down my fucking pocket! I just want a flip phone that's light and sharp looking. Yes, I'm shallow. So sue me!

• Eyeglasses: 18 months ago, I went and got glasses... the cheapest ones possible. They are in sort of crappy shape. The lenses are scratched up, the frame is bent, and I'm just very unhappy with them. Next time around, I'm going to invest in something a little nicer, with the scratch-resistant lenses. A little extra money? Sure. But they are on my face from the minute I wake up until I go to bed, and will be for the rest of my life. Maybe it is worth spending money on something that you have to use that much...

... come to think of it, that's what this whole list is about, besides the schoolbooks. I've gotten way past wanting to collect stuff that looks cool and sits in drawers or on a shelf. Yeah, the katana is neat, but unless there's a zombie, ninja, or possibly pirate attack... what good is that doing me?!?!?! On the other hand, every time I leave the house I have to bring or wear glasses, watch, knife, wallet, cell phone, shoes, and harmonica. I'm on the computer a lot too. These are things that are with me all the time. It would be stupid of me not to get the best I can afford in these categories.

And in the long run this should save me a lot of money. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense. I have owned dozens of guitars in my life, and I was always looking for a new one, a better one, whatever. Now I have a couple of guitars in the $1000-$1500 range, and it is rare for me to look at guitars anymore. Not only do I not need any more guitars, but I don't even want new guitars anymore. Instead of buying a new $500-700 guitar every year and wanting new ones too, I have what I want and don't spend any more money.

The same thing goes for my $250 pocket knife. I've probably owned more than 50 knives over the past 20 years, at about $50 a pop. Now I have the best knife I can imagine, so I don't have to spend another $2500 over the next 20 years. Sunglasses, same thing. You get one good thing, and you are happy with it and use it until it falls apart.

If only I had some money...

Sorry I don't have much tonight...

I've gone out and exercised every day for the last week, which is better than I've done in months. I'm really fucking tired. I tried to sleep in and couldn't, and I managed to sneak in a very short nap...

I'm anxious, irritated, tired, wired, and wish someone would clock me in the back of the head with a brick so I could be down for 10-12 hours. Instead, I'll be up until midnight, up at 6:30, and do the whole thing again.

When the fuck am I going to get that goddamned endorphin rush?

Cooking with Joe: Crock Pot Chili

I always talk about cooking, but I rarely share details. So, to remedy this issue, I am going to share details of the entire cooking process... with pictures!

11:00AM: I'm gathering materials:

• A 2-lb london broil
• 1 pound Italian sausage
• 1/2 pound of bacon
• a sack of Vidalia onions
• 2 cans of Bush's chili beans
• 2 cans of Hunt's roasted diced tomatoes
• a large jar of roasted red peppers
• minced garlic
• Chili-O with Onion chili seasoning mix
• a sack of southwestern-style frozen corn
• olive oil

Feel free to substitute whatever ingredients you prefer here. If you want to measure out chili powder, cumin, oregano, and other spices, feel free. I usually start with a prepared seasoning pack and then tweak a few steps into the cooking process.

First off, cut the beef into bite-sized cubes, dice the bacon and cut the sausage into chunks. Dump the whole thing into a skillet with some olive oil and brown at medium-high heat. While that's going on, chop up a cup or three of onions, and drain and chop the red peppers. We're going for savory flavor, not heat. That comes later!

When you get the meat browned, just a couple of minutes, remove the meat from the skillet. Dump the beef and bacon into the crock pot, and run the sausage through the food processor very quickly, maybe 5 seconds and add it to the beef. Remove all but a couple of tablespoons of the oil/grease nastiness from the skillet. Deglaze the skillet with chicken broth, and add the veggies and garlic for a fast cook. Then dump EVERYTHING into the crock pot, and leave it alone for the next 3-4 hours.

12:00PM:

Well... that didn't go according to plan. The beef had to be browned separately, and I wound up adding some Italian seasoning and Goya Sazon Picante to the onions and peppers. If you aren't familiar with the Goya Foods brand, you don't know what you're missing. They make all sorts of interesting Hispanic-style sauces, seasonings, veggies, fruit juices... all good, and adds something different than what most people are used to.

Anyhoo... the crock pot is FULL. The four hours of waiting? I'm going to need it to clean up the kitchen.

2:00PM:

Kitchen is clean, crock pot is bubbling nicely, the house is starting to fill up witn nummy smells. I love the whole slow cooker cooking experience. It is nice to have a meal that lacks even the hint of hustle on my part.

4:00PM: Checked the pot. The beef is breaking down nicely, there is just the right amount of kick to the flavor without leaving a burning feeling in my mouth. Something is a bit off with the flavor though... I think because when I added the Sazon to the mix, it overwhelmed the cumin in the chili seasoning. So, I add a bunch of cumin and give it a stir, and it is much improved. I'm not 100% convinced of the flavor yet. Maybe some peanut butter? I'm going to give it an hour, let the flavors come together a little more, and see what I think then.

5:30PM: Waited long enough. Wife tasted it, declared it finished. Add a little cheese and sour cream.

Dinner is served!

Happy Birthday, Barack Obama!

He's 48 today, as his birth certificates (both real and fake) attests. It is a funny week to be talking about it, in light of the stupidity of people who think he was born in Kenya or maybe Zimbabwe, or possibly in hell as the Anti-Christ.

The latest has been a stunning defeat for the so-called "birthers" who reject the citizenship of Obama because they are racist anti-American assholes who should go fuck themselves and die. Even their fellow anti-American assholes on Fox News reject their claims. Orly Taitz, mail-order lawyer, dentist, real estate agent, and Queen of the Birther Assholes, presented incredible new evidence of an honest to goodness Kenyan birth certificate, stamped from the Republic of Kenya and everything!

One problem... Kenya wasn't a republic on the date the birth certificate was supposedly created.

Other problem. It is a copy of a South Australian birth certificate of one David Bomford, with Obama's data Photoshopped in.

Oddly, no word from Orly Taitz. Might be the first thing to ever make her shut the fuck up, as you can see here:

Happy birthday, Mr. President!