... and I'm sick!

Just a couple of quick things I'll post before I get back into bed. I've been up all night with a fever, hot and cold sweats, and pooping out my internal organs. I'm pretty sure I'm short a spleen and half a liver at this point. Anyhoo, on with the ranting!

• Right-wing goon James O'Keefe wasn't satisfied with ruining ACORN with doctored videos, or with his arrest for attempted wiretapping of a senator's office. So he decided he was going to trick a CNN journalist onto a boat, sexually harass/assault her, and secretly videotape it to somehow "discredit" her. More proof, as if we needed it, that right-wingers are malicious psychopathic thugs who have no place in human society... and that too much of our society is unwilling to say so, and thereby enables further abuses by this type of animal. When the politicians and the media wave this off as a prank or say that O'Keefe's attempted sex crime was just "punking" his potential victim, then that sort of behavior becomes the new normal, and the sociopaths have to go even further before anyone notices them. 
• Speaking of crazy people, it turns out that religious people don't actually know much about what they believe. Atheists do know what religious people believe, which is how we know they're crazy!! According to a Pew Research survey it turns out that Christians don't know basic facts about other religions or even their own. Atheists and Jews score highest... and since many Jews are culturally Jewish and otherwise atheists, it sort of makes sense. This news comes at the same time that critics of vocal atheists like Richard Dawkins and P.Z. Myers are complaining that atheists are too ignorant of religion to criticize it publicly. This Pew study highlights my objection to this complaint: if it is OK for religious people to embrace religion while being deeply ignorant about it, then I don't need a theology degree to reject it. Certainly, people who claim a belief should carry a heavier burden to learn about it than people who don't believe it. 
• I got my Chemistry test back, and I got a 90% on it. The professor did some sort of weird curve on the grade though, so even though a 90% is an 'A', a 54% score netted a 'C' instead of a failing grade. I don't care if he wants to curve the grades so that fewer people fail, but in my mind that curve should apply to everyone, not just the stupid people. If a failing grade is now barely passing, everyone with an 'A' should get an extra couple of points averaged into our grade. It just seems more fair that way. Also, whoever the guy or girl was who scored an 18% really needs to reconsider the whole college thing. The test was multiple choice with four choices per question. Random chance should get you 25%, so if you're doing worse than blind guessing you're in big trouble.

OK, that's it. I'm getting my newly ancient ass back into bed, and we'll catch up again in a couple of days. Have fun, and thank your mother for the chicken soup. 

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!

I scored pretty big this year! Check it out yo!

Lots of zombie-rific action going on here this year. Zombie super heroes by way of DC's Blackest Night series, and I've got the complete graphic novel set. Zombies in The Rising and steampunk zombies in Boneshaker. Creepy supernatural strangeness from Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez in Locke & Key: Crown of Shadows, and vampire goodness in The Fall, by Guillermo del Toro (director of Hellboy) and Chuck Hogan (author of Prince of Thieves, basis of the new Ben Affleck film The Town.) Plus Iron Man 2 on Blu-ray, just because.

Also, I got a new pair of cheap house shoes... and the best gift I could have gotten. The shoes were given to me by my dad, in person. My dad and my mom were both here this past weekend. There's stuff that I love, and that's all well and good. I'm way happier that my parents were able to visit me for a couple of days. I haven't seen them for over a year and a half, and they haven't been down here on vacation for almost three years. For all that I got cool stuffs, it was way cooler that my wife and I were able to take them out for a semi-fancy meal at Carrabba's. We had appetizers, the main course, and desserts galore. My folks never get to spend the sort of money we spent on the meal, so it was sort of a thrill for me to see them get to enjoy themselves that way.

Today was actually sort of a mixed bag. I found out that I got one of the very few "A" grades on last week's chemistry test, one of less than 10% of the close to 200 students taking the class this semester. I came home, but stopped at Target to pick up Iron Man 2 and some cole slaw for dinner. I tried to take a nap, but managed to sleep less than 45 minutes. I found out that my wife is almost 100% guaranteed to get her huge bonus next year, so we can go to Puerto Rico for our first vacation since 2006 or so. I also found out that the cunt cashier at Target didn't take the movie out of the theft-proof plastic shield, so I had to drive back to Target. I almost died driving, because it started raining and my windshield wipers are crap so I couldn't see a damned thing. I've replaced the wipers, which is good. My wife sent me an e-card that mentioned beer, which led me to believe that I had some beers. No beers here, but my wife was willing to go get me some. We watched the movie, which was pretty good. Judge Judy was fun too.

Overall, pretty OK. Last year, I spent my birthday in the emergency room after my wife had some sort of seizure and fainted in the kitchen. This year was MUCH better. MUCH BETTER.

I've got a whole year until the next birthday. Next year, someone had better buy me a fucking koala bear!

What are you guys getting me for my birthday?!?!?!?!

Don't fret, friends and far-off neighbors... I made you a list!

For my poor F&F-ONs (<$10):

For anyone feeling a little extra generous($10-50)

For people who are probably related to me($50-100):

And, finally... if you buy me this, I'll have your children($... you don't want to know!):

You only have about a week, so get shopping!!!

house-cleaning and beer... the connection

So, yeah...

My wife is going to come home to a miracle of cleanliness. I've scrubbed down both bathrooms from floor to ceiling, completely cleaned out the guest bedroom, done all of the dishes, and even did some laundry. I vacuumed my office and the living room, scrubbed the stovetop and most of the kitchen, and took out more trash than you want to imagine.

It only cost me a 12-pack of beer.

It helps if you look back on my history a bit. I tend to be a bit of a slob, and I have the hoarder gene from my father(and share it with my brothers), so I tend to fight with cleanliness. On the other hand, I survived an enlistment in the United States Marine Corps, so you know I have cleaning skills to spare.

One of the things I learned to associate when I was in the Marines is cleaning and beers. Every single Thursday night, we did "field day"... which means barracks cleaning for the normal folks. On Friday mornings the commanding officer(or other higher-up) would inspect the barracks, and the folks who lived in the rooms that failed would have to spend their weekend cleaning and sometimes re-cleaning their rooms. I can't say that I never failed the inspection, but I can say that I never failed the same way twice.

That's probably why they put me in charge of field day cleanup for the last few months of my enlistment.

There was no spot in those rooms that I didn't know how to clean. There were no tricks for passing the inspections that I didn't know. And, unfortunately for the poor folks who failed inspections over my last couple of months, there were no ways to fuck with people that I wasn't intimately familiar with. I could fail a room without walking through the door... and I did, on one occasion. When I said "dust every surface" that included the number plate on the door... yes, go wipe down your door, and the outside window-sill, and use some metal polish on the plate on the floor that your door rests on. I did it in my room, I expected the same from everyone else.

So, we've established ridiculous anal-retentive inspections. The other aspect of the whole thing was beer. Lots of beer. Since we were young men who were stuck at the barracks for the whole night when we had to clean, drinking was an integral part of the cleaning process. I would get off of work at 4-4:30, and by the 6PM field day formation I would be at least 4-5 beers into my drinking. When I was in charge of the cleanup it was actually worse, because I kept my room very clean all week and could start drinking ever earlier.

Even today, it is easier for me to clean when I have more that a few beers in me. If nothing else, I know that I can't stop cleaning and start hanging out until I have done enough to impress my wife. She doesn't generally get on me for drinking, or for cleaning... but it makes it much easier on me when I do the latter when I'm neck-deep in the former.

Now, if you'll excuse me... my wife is a bit late getting home, so I should really try to scrub the kitchen floor before she gets here. :)

I'm so tired!!!!

So, last night I went out around 6:30 to trade my Ibanez guitar for a Fender Strat and a synth. I got home some time after 8, and then my wife and I watched one of those damned hoarding shows until 11. It took me an hour to fall asleep, and I was so stressed out about having to be up at 6AM for class that I wound up waking up at 2:30, 2:45. 4:25, and 5:30 to check the clock and see how much more time I had to sleep.

Sort of counter-productive, I know. The worst thing is that I have to be up again tomorrow at 6AM. Because I'm a responsible pet owner, I take my dog for a nice long walk ever morning. Since I'm not going to be home from 7AM-1PM most days, it is unfair of me to leave her at home all of those hours without making sure she's run off some energy and chased some bunnies and peed and pooped out everything she's got for the morning. She can go longer than six hours with less of a walk, but she shouldn't have to. And I have to leave early to find parking.

The college I go to was a community college when I started, and has become a state college and doubled in enrollment in the last three years, without an increase in parking spaces. In the interim, they've built up little dirt ramps so you can drive over the curbs and park in the grass. Pretty much ALL of the grass. They are considering paving over the athletic field for parking, it has gotten so bad. If I don't get there before 7:30, I can forget about parking anywhere near my classes.

At least I have a "new" guitar. I can make it sound like a tin whistle, or a steel drum!!

Best laid plans and all that...

Mondays are my one free day of the week now that school is back in. They should be pretty busy, thanks to a couple of things going on:

• We've been watching a lot of those hoarding shows on the TV, and we've become convinced that we should throw away everything that isn't nailed down, or at least donate it to Goodwill. 
• We're under the dark cloud of massive medical bills from my wife's surgery earlier this year. No big deal in the long term, we can certainly afford to pay them off eventually, but there's no extra money. Stuff that lays around the house that can be sold means a little extra spending money.
• My parents are coming to visit in two weeks and my in-laws will be here for Thanksgiving, which means that we're not going to be able to use the guest room as a storage room.

Yesterday was a big day. We went through that closet, and the closet in our bedroom. We found some boxes of clothes that are going to Goodwill and more clothes to box up and donate as well. I threw away two trash cans worth of stuff, plus some old broken furniture that was hanging around for absolutely no reason at all. I'm going to see if I can't get rid of a few other things as well as time goes on.

Anyhoo, today was supposed to be a big cleaning day too. I want to get everything done way in advance of my folks getting here, so that I don't have to spend the night before they get here being all stressed out. Unfortunately, the first thing I did was mow. Even in the early morning, the temperatures were in the mid-80s, and including the trimming it took me about 2 hours to do it. Now, all I want to do is take a shower and lay down. No kitchen cleaning, no laundry doing, no vacuuming or anything else.

I'll do the cleaning though... there's a Hoarders marathon on the TV. Plus, I have to drive to Daytona tonight. I'm meeting a guy I met on Craigslist in a parking lot tonight... ummm... wow, that sounds really bad, doesn't it!! I'm trading my Ibanez guitar for his Fender Synth Strat. Good times.  

Resident Evil: Ass-kicking!

The wife and I got off our lazy asses and drove to the new movie theater in town and saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. Yay? Fuck yeah, "Yay!" In 3D too!

Here's the thing with us and the movies: we like going, but we used to have to drive either 30 minutes to the shitty old theater, or over an hour to the nice new theater. It really fucked up our day to drive an hour and change to see a movie. We'd leave the house at 9:30 in the morning, get to the theater at 10:45, watch the 11:30 matinée, and get home at 4:00 or later if we stopped to eat. We'd be beat as hell from the driving, and get home to a house full of pets with crazy separation anxiety.

Today, we left the house at 1:00, went to Target for a new shower curtain and other household goodies, and got to the theater at 1:50 for the 2:10 show. The movie was done by 3:50, we got an early dinner at the local Chinese sit-down restaurant*** and were home a little before 5:00. How awesome is that! No long slog down the interstate after sitting in a theater for hours, we were able to have a nice meal, and the dog didn't freak out too badly over the whole thing.

The movie itself? Well... if you liked the other ones in the series, you'll like this one. If not, don't bother. It was loud, fun, and made less than zero sense. Don't think about any of it, just be amazed at a guy in sunglasses with a starfish coming out of his mouth dodging bullets at the speed of sound, or the 10' guy with a potato sack over his head and a giant battle axe/meat tenderizer combo. Good times!!

*** Just as an aside here, if you have an opportunity to eat at a decent Chinese place, it is worth doing. We have a little joint in town that is a real restaurant, versus being a buffet or take-out place. The food is priced fairly, the portions are generous, the fried foods aren't greasy at all, and the vegetables are very brightly colored and crisp. None of this swimming in oil stir-fry or overcooked vegetables here.

So over 9/11

You know when I was over 9/11?

9/12.

That's right, my whole "oh no, terrorists attacked us" thing lasted about 36 hours. It ended when I drove to the comic book store and it was closed. Then I went to the mall, and it was closed for "security reasons". That was it, I was FUCKING DONE!

You have to understand something. Yes, terrorist attacks are bad and whatever, and it is a terrible thing when people are murdered and all... but for fuck's sake, when you live hundreds or thousands of miles away, stop pretending that something happened to YOU, when it really happened to other people who you probably don't even know. The moment I saw a sign in Mayberry, NC claiming that the mall couldn't open because they were afraid that the next target after the WTC towers and the Pentagon would be a shitty mall with a K-Mart and a Penny's? I knew from that moment that the whole of America had jumped the shark.

And every year since, we're all supposed to pretend that "we" were attacked, that "we" were hurt and harmed and that "we" should persevere in the face of utter terror... fucking BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS!!!!


3000 or so people died, plenty more were wounded, and anyone close to the attacks or related to the victims were certainly traumatized. The rest of us weren't there, weren't related to the victims, and should STFU about what it means to us, because if it means anything to you it shows that you're a narcissistic, self-centered asshole who deserves a swift kick in the balls or squishy, depending on gender. Stop making everything about you!

Possible future plans?

My wife and I are talking about taking a vacation next summer. Yes we're planning early, but we haven't taken a vacation since we got the dog and cats back in 2007. So... it has already been four years and counting. We're thinking Puerto Rico, because we saw Andrew Zimmern on Travel Channel eating neat foods there. My wife is mostly in charge of figuring out travel plans, airlines and car rentals and tour groups and pre-printing maps to the place with the cool bread stuffed with meat and cheese, and the Pork Road where you can get pig cooked a million ways.

My job, as per the norm, is to buy various and sundry accoutrement. Luggage, gear, gizmos, gadgets, satellite phones, pick-axes, tents, mosquito nets... even though we're staying at a hotel and riding in vehicles, I feel like I need hiking boots and a pith helmet. This is why we have to plan a vacation a year out from it. The vacation itself will cost us $3000-4000 dollars, which is cool. The outfitting for the vacation will cost possibly just a little bit more. 

Can I carry a machete in my checked baggage?

DID YOU SEE IT!!!!

Check out the comments on my last post. The second comment...

Yeah, that's right friends and far-off neighbors... I got a visit from New York Times bestselling novelist Scott Sigler, author of ANCESTOR, INFECTED, and CONTAGIOUS.

SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES!!!!

Since according to his bio, he can wrestle live alligators on a couple of Red Bulls, I'll have to invite him to the local alligator farm. Joe needs a new pair of boots.